my historical fanfiction with monty python style humor

[mousse69]

this is one of my best.

I AM GOING TO WRITE A LITTLE HISTORY
FER YOU.CREDIT TO KAORU FOR INSPIRATION.

DISCLAIMER:I OWN NOTHING.

NOW…THE BATTLE OF STALINGRAD .

CAST:

Main soldier: duo Maxwell.

Orchestra conductor:treise kushrinada

First chair flute:trowa barton

First chair violin:quatre rebarba winner

First chair trumpet: heero yuy

First chair alto saxophone: Catherine bloom

2nd chair trumpet: Dororthy Catalonia

1st chair trombone: wufei chang

1st chair French horn: hilde schbiker

1st chair clarinet: relena peacecraft

1st chair tuba: milliardo peacecraft

1st chair cello: sally po

Duo’s commanding officer: field Marshall une (I know she is German, but what the
hell)

Snare drums: dr. j and master o

Timpani: doctor g

Bells: instructor h

Base drum/cymbals: doctor s

Russian soldiers:magunac corps

German forces: 4th earth sphere alliance shock army.

On with the show!

The Battle of Stalingrad (August 1942 - February 1943) was the decisive World
War II Soviet victory that stopped the German southern advance and turned the
tide of the war. At Stalingrad Soviet armies began the series of offensives that
were to take them to Berlin.
The first onslaught of Operation Barbarossa in 1941 had carried the German
armies to the outskirts of Moscow and Leningrad. In summer 1942 Hitler's main
target was the oil fields of the Caucasus - their capture would deprive the
Russians of their fuel supply. An army was to advance down the Volga to
Astrakhan and ultimately Baku. Simultaneously the German Sixth Army was ordered
to take Stalingrad - 'smash the enemy forces concentrated there, occupy the town
and block land communications between the Don and the Volga'. Stalingrad was a
long urban strip strung out along the west bank of the Volga. Hitler was
determined to capture it, as it was a major manufacturing center and the key to
the communications system of southern Russia.

In German hands it would block Russian attempts to destroy German armies between
the Don and Caucasus. But Stalin was equally determined to defend it, not least
as it bore his name. His order was read out to every Soviet soldier - 'Not a
step backwards!' Hence the clash of the titans.
By July 1942 the oil fields seemed to be at Hitler's mercy. Then he changed his
mind and ordered part of the forces that were to occupy them to the siege of
Stalingrad instead. By diverting them to this ultimately futile attack Hitler
wrecked the Caucasus campaign, which had a good chance of success.
From August 23, when German Sixth Army forces, commanded by General Friedrich
Paulus, reached the Volga at Stalingrad, Soviet and German infantry fought a
long, house-to-house battle for the city. The occupying Russian army was
fanatical. It contested every street and factory, whether still standing or
totally destroyed. Territory, which the Germans, with their superior firepower,
had won by day, was regained by night.
At the same time Soviet armies, ultimately numbering an estimated 1 million men,
built up. On 19 November, preceded by an enormous barrage, forces under General
Zhukov attacked on both German flanks. Within 5 days they had executed a pincer
movement that encircled 250,000-300,000 German and satellite troops - the
besiegers were besieged. Hitler forbade Paulus from attempting to break out to
the rear, which he might have done early in the encirclement.
Goering promised him an airlift, which never materialized. A relief army stalled
in December and rations had to be reduced. Ammunition was running low. In
January the Russians called on von Paulus to surrender. Hitler ordered him to
refuse, made him a Field Marshal and informed him that no German Field Marshal
had ever been taken alive.
The German position was now hopeless. Troops slowly froze, starved and ran out
of ammunition. A Russian thrust divided Paulo’s forces into two parts. By 30
January he was trapped in the basement of the large department store in
Stalingrad where he had set up his final HQ. The Russians came for one last
assault. And this is where our story starts.

A ducenhalf was rumbling down a street towards stalingrad,it occupants wary. Its
soldier,private duo Maxwell,lit up a cigarette with shaking hands. From the cold
and nervousness. (Cue on orchestra beginning to start the song: l’arlesienne
suite 2:faradole) maestro kushrinada swings his baton in 4-4 time as the slow
,majestic musick starts.duo doesn’t seem too even notice the rather small
orchestra in the seats next to him.
Duo looks out the window at the Russian landscape……until he thinks e hears a
high wistling….and the loud explosion of the landscape outside as the remaining
german artillery and the few stuka dive bombers the luftwaffe(german air force)
could spare.the slow majestic musik stops abruptly and the flute solo of 16th
notes go….now a very fast melody plays as the rest of the orchestra picks up
their instruments as duo grabs his rifle, tosses out his cigarette onto the
grass and runs to the nearest bunker. Upon reaching the bunker, his ducenhalf
explodes.he sticks his head over the edge and starts firing at the germans, not
hitting anything.He watches his fellow soldiers instantly lose body parts as the
stukas that have run out of bombs strife the soldiers with their 25mm machine
guns. Duo’s commanding officer, field Marshall une, was about 10 feet from his
foxhole when a soldier behind her caught a 25mm in the back of the head and his
skull fragments along with the lead shrapnel dig into lady une’s leg. Duo drags
her into the bunker by the hair(to her agony)she immediately asks for a lead
antidote left by the soldiers that once occupied the bunker. ”Private!! Give me
the antidote!!!” but duo wasn’t listening. The beginning of the battle had
clouded his head. ”Oh my GOD ,they killed field Marshall une!!!!” the orchestra
plays a slow morose section of the piece as lady une screams she is not dead. a
nearby soldier heard this. He immideately hopped out and made a bum rush for the
city. “you bastards!!!!!” he yelled as a sniper’s bullet punched through his
stomach, blowing his intestines into the bunker he just came out of. Duo held
lady une in his arms, crying. “don’t worry, commander, I will avenge your
death.” He looks at the 12 other soldiers in the bunker as lady une is trying
to get it through their heads that she is not dying. 10 of the soldiers nod
their heads and run with duo out of the bunker and towards the city. Two of the
soldiers are killed by sniper fire. When they reach the rest of the forces that
made it to the front, one of duo’s men (did I mention duo is a corporal and in
charge of this small squad?)puts a scope on his rifle and puts a round through
the heads of all the snipers he could see before a stray bullet met his own
head. Duo forced his hands to take out and light another cigarette as his men
perish one by one before his eyes as german soldiers fire from windows on the
2nd story of a nearby building. He throws his cigarette over is shoulder and
looks at the low, foggy, overcast sky. Unknowing to duo, his cigarette caught
fire to the building most of germans were fireing from. The orchestra went to
mezzo forte and began playing a low,majestic set of 8th notes as the we see the
building going up in smoke and the American p-52 mustangs suppourt the Russian
yak-5 fighters to get rid of the stukas.
Duo looked around. He was the last Russian soldier for at least 12 blocks. As he
surveyed the sea of dead and dying bodies around him, the trombone played a
low,morose song of death consisting of half and quarter notes. That’s when it
happened. A soldier on the roof of a nearby building spotted him and tossed a
grenede(giving his postion away) towards duo. The grenade hit thesandbag,
hurling thousands of high velocity sand into his right side, ruptureing a major
artery in his arm. As ha quickly lost blood he tried to walk back to the bunker
he came from. At about 100 feet away, a stuka dropped its last bomb right into
its top, blowing it out. The area around it for tens of yards were raining of
metal, concrete, and body parts.

At this point, duo lost all confidence of survival. He broke down, dropping to
his knees , hilding his rifle for suppourt. The stuka that blew up the bunker
made a lazy turn to make a pass at duo. But the two lines of pullets passed only
o the sides of duo, missing him by feet. “bastardo….bastardo!!” he kept on
mumbling to himself.. he learned it from a French man. And from that point on he
used as something to say when he was introuble,even if he didn’t know what it
ment. He fell over in a pool of his own blood,losing conciousness fast. His
rifle went off, richoshed off a piece of conrete, into the air and into the neck
of the pilot turning to make another pass at him. His blood squirted all over
the cabin,splashing all over the winsheild ,and blinding the copilot/gunner
behind him. The plane plunged into the recourse station that fueled the german
h.q. and immediately begana fire that blew it up and spread into the pipeline. A
backdraft flowed through the pipes and into the german h.q. boiler room. The
door inched open and a humongus blast ripped through the building , leveling it
as the orchestra played a triumphant overture. The heat boiled the pipeline
system of the headquarters, creating a backpressure that caused the water tower
so blast off like a hydro rocket.

In stalingrad’s main square, the last of the german forces regrouped to make one
last stand against the Russians. Thys hadf barricaded themselves in with air
tight sandbags 30 feet high and 10 feet thick. Soldiers watched in horror as the
water tower (still filled with thousands of gallons of water) crashed in the
middle of the square, turing it into a mega-sised deathtrap. Most of the troops
(70%) didn’t know how to swim (that’s why they joined the army)drowned
instantly. 20% of the doldiers were swept into the buildings, knocking them out
or killing them outright. The ones that escaped made a run for headquarters but
when they found it wasn’t there anymore, they promptly surrendered. And that’s
the story of how stalingrad was won.
Well, how did you like it? Flamers will be shot/and/or laughed at. Please pardon
my spelling mistakes. Im just lazy. oh yeah... ahem... When duo dies the orchestra stops playing.when the music stops,the soldiers realise they were there.
fearing them germans,they are promptly cuy down by their 30 mm machin gun emplacements.



END




how did you like it???

[Ra amiel]

good story ^__^