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Old 12-07-2010, 10:42 PM   #1   [permalink]
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Talking When Johann met Lucy

Everybody needs the companionship of an understanding member of the opposite sex, unless they are gay. Johann, from Monster, took out a personal ad in a weekly alternative newspaper. He got a response from Lucy, of Elfin Lied fame. The two agree to meet for dinner at a restaurant chosen by Johann. Johann arrives first and is seated. About ten minutes later, Lucy enters and approaches his table.

Lucy: Johann?

Johann: (Rises) You must be Lucy.

Lucy: I knew it had to be you. You are just as you described yourself.

Johann: (Pulls out a chair.) Please have a seat.

Lucy: (Sits) Thank you.

Johann: (Sits) Did you have trouble finding this place?

Lucy: No. I found it easily.

Waiter: Good evening, sir. Madam. Would you like to see a menu? The special tonight is our halibut steak in a cream lemon sauce with browned potatoes and sautťed baby carrots.

Lucy: That sounds good.

Johann: Make it two, then.

Waiter: Very good, sir. And may I interest you in a wine?

Johann: Do you like rose? A bottle of the house rose.

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir. (Leaves)

Lucy: Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Johann: Go right ahead.

Lucy: Why did you place a personal ad?

Johann: I guess I felt like I wanted to meet someone. It is not easy for me to do as I keep busy and traveling.

Lucy: What is it that you do?

Johann: Oh, Iíve held various jobs, but mostly I just commit meaningless murder.

Lucy: Sounds fascinating.

Johann: And may I ask why you answered my ad?

Lucy: Well, I wanted to meet someone too. Iím on the run myself all the time. Just from mercenaries and such who want to kill me. I also just got out of a relationship.

Johann: You talk as if it went badly.

Lucy: It was sort of complicated. I shared a house with a guy and three other girls, so there was a lot of competition.

Johann: So what happened with the guy?

Lucy: The last I heard he had to leave town after getting his cousin pregnant.

Johann: The cad!

Lucy: It was not all his fault. Sheís the one who really came onto him. Anyway, I donít think we had much of a future together. He was the type to hold a grudge.

Johann: What sort of grudge could he possibly hold against you?

Lucy: Well, years ago when we first met I killed his father and little sister.

Johann: Oh, well. I guess some people just have to live in the past. Tell me, do you have any family?

Lucy: No. Iím an orphan.

Johann: Really? Iím an orphan as well.

Lucy: No kidding! Then youíre all alone in this world?

Johann: I do have a twin sister, but we donít really stay in touch that much.

Lucy: You must have had a hard childhood.

Johann: Not really. We were raised by a series of foster parents. They were all very warm people and kind to us. But I killed them all anyway.

Lucy: Nothing wrong with that.

Johann: And you?

Lucy: I was brought up in an orphanage. It was pretty rough. All the kids were cruel to me. Once I found a stray puppy and adopted him. The other kids killed it.

Johann: How horrible! What did you do?

Lucy: I killed the other kids.

Johann: Naturally. But how were you able to kill all of them?

Lucy: I have these vectors. They are like invisible hands and. . . . Well, do you see that couple over there?

Johann: Yes.

Lucy: Watch. (The heads of a man and a woman sitting at another table get sliced off.)

Johann: Wow! That is so cool!

Lucy: Thank you. Whatís your favorite way of killing?

Johann: I donít really have a favorite. Iíve used a gun, poison. . . . I guess if I had to choose, I like manipulating other people to do my killing for me. That way I can sit back and watch.

Waiter: Excuse me, sir and madam. I forgot to ask how you would like your halibut cooked.

Johann and Lucy: (Together) Raw. What? You too!
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