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Old 27-04-2003, 03:19 AM   #1   [permalink]
Nefla
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A story, but not fanfiction (shonen ai vampires)

Once apon a time there was a pony, the end

Last edited by Nefla; 25-11-2010 at 02:39 PM.
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Old 29-04-2003, 11:23 AM   #2   [permalink]
Cetacious
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Don't worry about the fanfic thing, almost everybody posts original stuff these days. What could rather come to disturb the mods, if there were any around(I haven't seen them here in months) is the yaoi thing. It's just slight referance in this first part, but it's gonna get stronger later on isn't it?
The dream sequence ain't crap. Okay, if you work hard on it you may get it even better. Present tense and some more speed might help. Also, at least when I dream, I rarely remember direct speach. Mix the words up in midst of the mist.
The menguant part is the immediately posterior. Yes, you could use some more description there, saying where they are and giving some more clues about the universe. But what you really need is to justify the boy's departure. It doesn't seem to make any sense, the action is too sudden. It would be better if you pictured the impact the dream had on him, let him meditate a bit and then take the decision.
Some supernatural smell could also be in the air, I don't know, voices, a curent, something magnetic... Also, I missed a bit of supernaturality in Reimas' first physical aparition. Give him an aura, or at least when he grabs Morgan it shouldn't be like a usual man's fang.
It's nice to see you already know to play with points of view. Believe me, you don't need to write the name of every character when you change the PoV, you're good enough to make that notable just through naration. If you want you can leave a double spacing to keep the pause effect, but the name is completely unnecesary.
Your main character is interesting, I haven't met many repented vampires before, and you build up something quite elaborated uppon the concept. That "man of my dreams" was funny, but for that same reason it doesn't exactly fit the obscure tense atmosphere before and after that moment. You could spare it for another more calm moment. Next you perfectly avoid a posible action sequence there, which could not only unstabilize but really screw that same atmosphere. Nice move, most people would fall and do a big funky battle there, but you know how to focus on the story.
Okay, I hadn't blabbered that much in quite a while, and I think it's enough for now, there's not that much to say about the rest of the story. Get it on and don't lose the line.
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Old 29-04-2003, 08:49 PM   #3   [permalink]
Nefla
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OMG, thank you so much for the reply *grovels* I'm new at this so your input is extremely helpful to me XD (I saved your post to my computer for future reference) h and about the yaoi thing, I didn't intend to post the graphic parts *sweatdrop*
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