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Old 02-02-2002, 04:27 PM   #1   [permalink]
KaWoRu_AnGeL
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Jokes

Here is the place where you can post all you funny jokes and I will start it off with a great blond joke...

One day, a blonde was driving along and cut a guy off. HE pulled her over and had her stand in the road in the middle of a circle he drew. Now, dont move, he told her. Ok, she replied. HE went and got back in his car, but noticed the blonde was sniccering. So, he got back out and said, oh, you think its funny i'm late huh? Well, this isnt funny! HE pulled out his pocket knife and scraped up and down her car, which was new. Now, she started laughing harder. SO, he opens her door and slits her leather car seats. Now shes laughing so hard, shes holding her stomache. So then, he breakes in all her windows. Then she starts laughing so she has to sit down. Now, the man is really mad. SO, he sets fire to her car, and when he does that, she is rolling over laughing.
HEy! I Set fire to you car, and destroyed it, but your laughing, whY......
Well sir, I stepped out of the circle 4 time while you werent looking!
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Old 02-02-2002, 04:31 PM   #2   [permalink]
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ROFL thats a good one. I got one for ya.
why couldnt the blonde dial 911?
she couldn't find the eleven.
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They groaned, They stirred, They all up rose;Nor speak, Nor move there eyes. It was strange even in a dream to see these dead men rise.
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Old 02-02-2002, 04:34 PM   #3   [permalink]
KaWoRu_AnGeL
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ahha funny funny but thats an old one lmao ok heres another...

Why did the man cross the road?

Because he heard the chicken was a slut. lmao
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Old 02-02-2002, 04:36 PM   #4   [permalink]
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1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A: Gifted!

2. Q: How do blonde braincells die?

A: Alone.

3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A: Pregnant.

4. Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?

A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?

A: Artificial intelligence.

A2: By doing the splits.

6. Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?

A: She missed the Earth!

7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?

A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?

A: Nothing. They've never met.

9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?

A: After a dye job.


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11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?

A1: She'd just dyed her hair.

A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around

too much.

12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A: You can park in the handicap zone.

14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?

A: An IN-body experience!

15. A: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?

She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the

Hymenlick Manuever.

16. Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?

A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

17. Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?

A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

18. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

19. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?

A: Shine a torch in her ears.

20. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them

21. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's writing on the white-out.

22. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?

A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

23. Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?

A: Far-from-thinkin

24. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?

A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

25. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?

A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

26. Q: How do you kill a blonde?

A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?

A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

28. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?

A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those

little packages.

29. Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?

A: She liked kids...

30. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?

A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave

Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A: A blond doing cartwheels.

Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!

Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray

Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're ------.

Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

There enough to last
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Old 02-02-2002, 04:39 PM   #5   [permalink]
928GTS
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Mooooreee??
These high quality jokes found after searching the net for an exhaustive 2mins

How did the blonde explain how his helicopter crashed?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan.

Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant?
He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.

What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Double-dumb.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is
sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!

What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in handicapped zones.

What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.

What do you call an all-blonde skydiving team?
A new version of the Lawn Darts game.

Where do you look for blondes' obituaries?
Under "Home Improvements."

Why did the blonde take his new scarf back to the store?
It was too tight.

Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?
It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave his cat a bath?
He still hasn't gotten all the hair off his tongue.

How does a psychic refer to a blonde?
Light reading.

Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that
he had a twin brother?
He didn't realize he was looking in a mirror.

There were two blondes walking down the street and they spotted a compact.
They rushed over to see who it belonged to so they could return it. The
first one opens it and says, "This person looks familiar" The second one
says, "Let me see." She looks at her friend and says, "Silly, that's me!"

Did you hear about the blonde who never learned to waterski?
He couldn't find a lake with a slope.

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A rebel without a clue!

Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?
He didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

Why couldn't the blonde bob for apples?
His sister was using the toilet.

A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his
window seat?
Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Me: Hey, Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Donna: I dunno. How?
Me: Tell her the same dumb blonde joke twice in a row.
Me: Hey Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

What did the blonde do when he noticed that someone had already
written on the overhead transparency?
He turned it over and used the other side.

Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000
leagues under the sea?
He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there
were so many teams.

Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.

How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the
blow dryer!

Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.

What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes go in first.

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

How does a blonde hemophiliac treat himself?
Acupuncture.

Why did the blonde get so excited after he finished the jigsaw
puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years."

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
He missed.

What's the difference between a blonde and a tree?
The tree knows when it's being cut down.

Why are most blonde jokes one-liners?
So men will understand them.

What did the blonde do with her arsehole in the morning?
Packed his lunch and sent him to work.

How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
what she did with her pencil.

Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
She had it bronzed.

What's a blonde's favorite color?
A light shade of clear.

What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Did you hear about the blonde prisoner who was found in his cell
with half a dozen bumps on his head?
He tried to hang himself with a bungee cord.

Hear about the blonde explorer?
He bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

How did the blonde moonwalk?
He got naked from the waist down and slid his butt along the floor.

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than
day rates?

A blonde lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to
see him...when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in
the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he
was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he
was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but
what are you doing in the paddock?" He replied, "I was reading the
newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize
was to be outstanding in your field."

Did you hear about the blonde that was arrested for shoplifting
shoes from K-Mart? They caught him just as he was hopping out
the front door.
(U.S. K-Mart marketing note: pairs of shoes are typically sold
connected together by a short string.)

Did you hear about the blonde who was shopping in Macy's when the
power went out? She was trapped for three hours on an escalator.
Hear about her?! That was my wife. Incidently, she brought the
escalator home with her. (She'll buy anything marked down!)

A blonde goes to get her hair cut. The hair stylist cuts for about 30
minutes, hands the blonde a mirror and asks, "How do you like it?" The
blonde says, "It's okay, but could you make it just a little longer on
the back?"

Blonde: I was born in the U.S.
Friend: Oh really, what part?
Blonde: All of me, silly.

A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting
in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor.
During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor
asked her to tell about herself.
She began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had."
The chair immediately dumped her on the floor.
After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The
professor asked him to tell something of his life.
He began, "I think -"
The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the floor.

What do a group of blondes have in common?
Nothing they can think of.

A blonde's house is on fire when she pulls up to her residence in the
country. From her cell phone, she calls the fire department in a panic.
The dispatcher tells her to settle down; they need to know how to get
to her house. The blonde replies, "Duh, in your big red fire truck."

----

How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't have to. They're born that way.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

How does he confuse you back?
He comes out and says he did.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Ask him, "How do you confuse a blonde?" and walk
away. However, he will bug you for the answer all day.

----

Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
To keep the refrigerator cold.

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes.

----

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
They can't remember the number.
Or: They can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
He didn't know which ONE came first.

What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

How does a blonde spell 'farm'?
E-I-E-I-O.

What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
Third grade.

What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.

What do you call a blonde CPA?
An impostor.

Why did the blonde who stay up all night studying?
She had a urine test the next day.

What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.

Do blondes read Shakespeare?
"No, who wrote it?"

Why are blondes hurt by peoples' words?
Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Did you hear about that blonde that was an M.D.?
Yes, Mentally Deficient.

What's the Blonde's Cheer?
"I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....uh, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yeah yeah yeah..."

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked
out a book called "How to Hug"?
Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the
encyclopedia.

What does 'XXX' stand for?
Blondes co-signing a note!

How did you know a blonde would do it for change?
Maybe she thinks pennies are easier to count than dollar bills!

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in kindergarten; which
one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.

A dumb blonde was bragging about his knowledge of the state capitals.
He proudly said,"go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A redhead said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy - 'W'."

----

Why did they stop doing the 'wave' at BYU?
Too many blondes were drowning.

How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Or: Leave a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

How do you drown a blonde?
When he asks for a lifesaver, ask him what flavor he wants.

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.

----

Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
That's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

----

Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to
death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash?
He's the one on his bike.

What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon?
Far-from-thinkin'.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.

Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a car accident?
The spare tire in his trunk blew out.

How does the blonde car pool work?
They all meet at work at 7:45.

Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it.

What did the blonde do when he heard that 90% of accidents
occur within five miles of home?
He moved ten miles away.

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
In case she locks the keys in her car.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on his back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Why did the blonde cross the road?
I don't know.
Neither did he.
Or: He wanted to see the geese because he heard honking!

What goes "Vroom...screech...vroom...screech...vroom...screec h?"
A blonde at a flashing red light.

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
to rain and the top is down!

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a
sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, he
said to himself, "oh well!" and turned around and drove home.
On his way home, the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS EIGHT MILES". By the time he drove eight miles,
he had cleaned 43 restrooms.

Why did the blonde ask his girlfriend to squeeze his left testicle?
Because the road sign said 'Squeeze Left'.

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he'd been driving the wrong
way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but whatever it is, it must be bad since everyone's leaving.

A blonde sees a freight train coming and speeds up to beat it
across the tracks.
The investigator at the scene of the accident wrote on his report,
"Some idiot, racing to beat the train, died when he hit the caboose."

Blondes don't worry about flat tires because, as they reason... "Heck,
it's only flat on the bottom. If I need to go somewhere, I'll just
drive on the top half."

There's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new,
candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio
blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is
carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her
disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that
she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to
within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her
on his *ss, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks
like a wave and she waves back.
Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer
and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more
visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his *ss,
and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.
The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a
circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs
her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees
to it and steps inside it. The trucker goes back to his truck and
pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the
Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he
is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000
pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks
over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is
rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why
are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!" She is
laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out,
"While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling
it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem
to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There
is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns
a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your
car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one
month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to
the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for
her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the
paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife,
inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she
realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had
paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his
pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch,
it's a Ferrari."

A blonde was driving down the road and she was swerving from left to right.
A cop, who was watching this the whole time, pulled her over, and said,
"Ma'am, what were you doing?"
She replies, "Thank God you're here, Officer! I was driving down the road
and all of the sudden this tree appeared in front of me, so i swerved to
get around it! Then another tree appeared in front of me, so i went
around that one! Then another!"
The cop replied, "Ma'am, that was just your air freshener."

----

What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing
on a street corner?
4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, not for a zillion bucks, 4 bucks!

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.

Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
Because he didn't want them pooping in the streets during parades.

What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a
dead skunk in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?

What did the blonde name his pet zebra?
Spot.

How was the blonde killed at the pie eating contest?
A cow stepped on his face.

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Why didn't the blondes go to the movies on one buck night?
They couldn't fit a deer into the car.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says,
"Awww, look at the poor dead bird." The blonde stops, looks
up, and says, "Where?"

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and
said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says
"Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are
deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and half an hour later,
they were both killed by a train.

A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying
overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over
her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've
hit me right in the face!"

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she
decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.
She went driving down a country road and came across a herd
of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take
one home?" "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked
at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow." Said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take
home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try
and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is
now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the
ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...the
Wal-Mart manager runs out and shuts the horse off.

----

Why are there no dumb brunettes?
Peroxide.

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter.

What do you call a good-looking brunette guy in between two blonde guys?
An interpreter in need of an immediate rescue.

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.

If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits
the ground first?
The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Or: The brunette. The blonde is such an airhead.

Why did the blonde dye her hair brunette?
She thought it would help her get a higher score on the SAT.

A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire
State Building. How do you tell them apart? The bleached blonde
would never throw bread to the helicopters.

----
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Old 02-02-2002, 04:50 PM   #6   [permalink]
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Got a big enough list of jokes there 928!!??
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Old 02-02-2002, 04:55 PM   #7   [permalink]
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All
of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice
the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in
all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime
I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel
it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,
I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they
feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing',
and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - -

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES ...
That's not right. Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP. Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man. Dum Gai
Small Horse. Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift. Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight. Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great. Fu Kin Su Pah

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Heard Over the Airwaves:

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses.

We are please to have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!

Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move
about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
land... it's a bit cold outside!

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately.

Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments.

As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and
seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
4 ways out of this airplane...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have
the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who
never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get
the toy."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO GET PEOPLE TO STOP BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED...

My blue-haired, old aunties used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"

...they stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Old 02-02-2002, 05:46 PM   #8   [permalink]
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carlos calls his boss and says, "Ey, boss I
not come work today I really sick. I got headache,
stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need
you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and
tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better
and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what
you said and I feel great, I be at work soon.
You got nice house."

--------------------------------------------------------------

Gardner goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning
at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic
and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed,
Gardner," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks boss," says Gardner, "I knew I could count on you!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl was in church with her mother when she
started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the
church and throw up behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to
her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could
you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church,
Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says,
'For the Sick'."

--------------------------------------------------------------

A woman went to a computer dating service and
said she didn't care about looks, income or background.
All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing
he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because
they had one thing in common -- they were both
pathological liars.

----------------------------------------------------------

A 3 year old boy puts his shoes on by himself. His
mother notices that they were on backwards and says,
"Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looks up at
her with a raised brow and says, "Don't kid me Mom,
I KNOW they're my feet!"

---------------------------------------------------------

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed
another guest, a big, over sexed blonde, was making overtures
at her husband. It was a large, informal gathering, so she
tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a
bedroom together.
At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart
and screamed, "Look lady! My husband just delivers babies, he
doesn't INSTALL them!"

---------------------------------------------------------

The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche
that was doing 75 MPH in a 35 MPH zone.

The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he
was finally brought before the local magistrate, he
exploded "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must
be the butthole of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied: "And you must
be what's passing through."
--------------------------------------------------------------

Two nuns are driving down the highway, when, out of nowhere,
a Vampire lands on the front hood of their car and is facing
them through the windshield. The two nuns begin to panic when
one nun yells to the other, “Do something! Show it your cross!”

The nun in the passenger seat agrees, leans out the window in
rage and yells, “Get the f-ck off the windshield!”

-------------------------------------------------------------

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then
casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and
I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then,
because I am wearing panties!"

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn
thing must be an hour fast."

------------------------------------------------------------

Excuses not to go to work

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition
to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we
must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her
heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined
that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I
have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but
I know we have that deadline to meet....

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit
disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't
be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking
with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even
gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am
startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing
several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning
the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured
only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
make such an obvious error, he replied:


(brace yourself)

(this is going to hurt.)

(really bad.)


"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
-------------------------------------------------------------

An actual ad in the London Times.

WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
---------------------------------------

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some
friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,"
the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college
and I majored in theatre arts."

He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

An American goes on a vacation to Europe, leaving his cat
with a friend.

About a week into the trip, the vacationer gets a call from his
friend. He picks up his phone only to hear his friend say, "Your
cat died." The vactioner cannot believe the news, and he responds
angrily, "You can't just call me and say that my cat died. I loved
that cat! You have to ease me into it. Maybe first call and tell me
the cat is on the roof, then call and tell me the cat fell, but
you're doing all you can, taking to the best vet and all, THEN
call and tell me that the cat died!"

About a week later, the vacationer gets another phone call from
his friend. He picks up the phone and his friend says, "Your
mother's on the roof."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING...

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the
following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder
while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.

Regards,
Project Leader

---------------------------------------------------------------

INCOMING!

A son comes home from the Army. After a few hours, he finally gets to talk to his father alone behind the barn.

"So, son, what did the Army teach you?" asked the father.

"Well, they taught me how to kill people," said the son.

"With what?" asked father.

"We used all kinds of things, like guns and knives, but my favorite was the grenade," said the son.

"What's a grenade?" asked the father.

"Well, I brought one home to show you. You just pull this pin out

and throw it as far as you can," said the son.

The son proceeded to give a demonstration. Lo and behold, the son

throws the grenade on top of the outhouse.

KABOOM!!! The outhouse is demolished. All the lumber and everything else lands in a heap in the yard. Grandpa sticks his head out of the pile and says, "Whew, glad I didn't let that one loose in the house!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked
: Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The boss came early in the morning one day and
found his manager kissing his secretary.

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free
of charge."
------------------------------------------------------------------

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders
a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal.
I don't think you can pay for it."
"You're right, " the guy says, "I don't have any money,
but if I show you something you haven't seen before
will you give me a drink?"

"You have a deal my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a
hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar, it runs to
the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across
the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts
playing Gerswhin.

"You're right I haven't heard anyting like that before,"
says the bartender. "The hamster is really gifted."



The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for
another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?"
asks the bartender. "Watch this," replies the guy.
Again, he reaches into his coat and pulls out a frog.
He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog
starts to sing. The frog has a marvelous voice
and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar
runs over to the guy and offers him $300
for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy.
He takes the three hundred and gives the
stranger the frog. The stranger runs out
of the bar.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You
sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been
worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so," says the guy.
"The hamster is a ventriloquist."
----------------------------------------------------------------



------------------------------------------------------------------
This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers
on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces,
"My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone
watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the
other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal
you." The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems,
so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on
her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television,
placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his
groin. With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about
healing the sick, not raising the dead."


--------------------------------------------------------------
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.

Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.

Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.

He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.

Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

Man with penis in peanut butter is ------- nuts.

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with
solution in hand.
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Old 02-02-2002, 09:02 PM   #9   [permalink]
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A string walks into a bar one day. He asked for a beer.
"sorry, we don't serve your kind here." said the bartender.
The string walks out of the bar. As he's walking down the street, he runs into two girls. He asks one to fluff up his head, and the other to tie him in a knot. He walks into the bar again.
"What are you doing here? You're still the same string." said the bartender.
"Nope." said the string. "I'm a frayed knot."


Did you hear the one about the two peanuts who walked into a Manhattan subway station?
One was assaulted.


Two guys are sitting in a bar. While talking to each other, one asks the other his last name.
"McDougall." he says.
"No way! That's my last name too!" says the other.
"Where were you born?" one of them asks.
"Edinburgh, Scotland." the other says.
"Me too!" the other yells.
"what's your mother's first name?"
"Eliza."
"Mine too!"
Another person sitting at the bar notices the two. "Imagine that. Total strangers." he says.
"Oh them?" asks the bartender. "Those are just the McDougall twins getting drunk again."
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