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Old 03-11-2003, 01:40 AM   #1   [permalink]
Ctuchik
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Legend of Zelda: The New Adventures of Link:

Okay I changed a few things around but I don't think it will make that much of a difference. It is still loosely based on the cartoon from the 80s as was my other one.

So I'll start with a cast list and put up the first installment later.

Link: A Sylvan Elf adventurer and protector of the Triforce of Wisdom.:

Zelda: The Princess of Hyrule and a high elf. She is the owner of the Triforce of Wisdom.

King Harkinian: Zelda's father and also protector of the Triforces. He is the King of Hyrule.:

Impa: Zeld's personal maid.:

Ganon: A powerful, dark elf sorcerer. He has long, loose black hair and covers his face with a Demonic Boar Noh mask. Underneath the mask a scar marks his perfect and handsome face. It runs from his right eye through his lip to his chin. The scar came from his attempts when he sought the powers within the Triforce of Power. He garbs himself in a navy blue robe.:

Dal: A Human warrior.:

Sora: The Wind Sorceress and a sylvan elf. She wears a tight gown of faded green. She has long silvery hair and sapphire, red flecked eyes.:

And others....
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Old 03-11-2003, 12:29 PM   #2   [permalink]
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Prologue: Winter Storm Sealed:

King Ainen towered over the defeated sorceress. His bright armor dulled by the shadows of the now windless cavern throne room of the dread, wind sorceress. She was crumpled infront of a massive, granite statue depicting the beauty of the wind sorceress; whom was now conquered.

She hissed in rage at the white armored King of Hyrule. "You've not beaten me, Ainen. You think that with your Triforces you have won. Old fool, you've only...."

She was silenced by the stare he bore upon her. Her body longed to be away from the armored king, and part of her wanted to tear him apart with her bare hands for what he had done to her. She had no spells left. She could sense that her death was iminient.

Ainen's Triforces pulsated brightly. Brilliant rays of blue, red, and green light shot forth at the sorceress. The shifting lights engulfed her. She futilely struggled against them. The lights of the Triforce used her strength to raise her higher.

King Ainen told the sorceress as he meticuliously watched her levitation towards the statue. "Look at yourself, Sora. Once you were as warm, beautiful, and kind as the morning breeze in spring......but now...you are hard and cold as a winter storm. I remember you as you were, and pity you. I shall not have your blood on mine...or anyone else's hands."

Sora the Dreaded Wind Sorceress had begun summoning up all her strength at hearing him say that he pitied her. She let out all that building up strength in a solitary blow. She longed to rip out his eyes, but it all only resulted in nothing. She hungered for Ainen's blood. She craved it now above all else. Even above her desire for power.

She abruptly felt cold, and saw only darkness at first. Sora tried to move her arms. Nothing. She was beginning to become frightened. She tried to walk out of the darkness. Nothing. No limb would budge. Her heart was frantically racing. Sora let out a wild scream. Nothing. No sound came from her throat; or between her lips. Suddenly Sora began to realize what King Ainen had done to her; with his newly created Triforces. It had sealed her away in the statue of herself. She let out a blood curddling shierk. Nothing. She was imprisoned. She could sense her rage building with frustration as the blood pumped faster in her body.

She vowed. "You'll not be able to keep me in here forever.., and when I return I'll destroy your precious Hyrule, and its Triforces."
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Old 04-11-2003, 09:21 PM   #3   [permalink]
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(NOTE: THIS STORY TAKES PLACE 900 YEARS AFTER EVENTS IN PROLOGUE)

Chapter One: The Old Woods:

The six Moblins trembled before the towering, masked wizard in navy blue robe. His white noh mask hidding any evidence of emotion upon his face. His pulsating red eyes were unreadable as he strode towards them. They were trapped inside the evil jar. Their attempts to float away only resulted in their colliding into each other. Ganon ennuyantly lifted his index finger at the bull dog faced monsters. A light blue bolt of lightning streaked out of his finger tip.

Ganon observed. "Worthless, incompetents." He watched in satisification as the Moblins spasmed from the electric bolt.

Ganon teleported himself from the evil jar to his cold, gray throne. Behind his throne a great endless chasm stretched down into infinity. The arms of the throne were held up by large, statues of rotting skulls; one under each arm. The seat lead directly down a staircase that was in perfect condition from lack of use. He had no need for stairs in Death Mountain; they were for the usage of his mininions.

He leaned upon his fist; frustrated and deep in thought. He had known a direct assault would fail; but he had attempted it to keep them off their guard while he planned his true strategy to gain the Triforce of Wisdom. He had even tried to deception, and nothing seemed to work. He thought and listened to the Moblins' screams as the bolt of electricity continued to shock the six failures.



Dal found himself lost. He didn't know how he had even came this far intot he Old Woods. The hunting had been scarce, and he had thought to lead a party of hunters safely through the borders of the Old Woods. Now he had lost them, and was disorientated himself. He could tell from the height of the trees that he was in a very ancient part of the Old Woods. A thin fog was rolling across the ground as he rode his charger through the trees.

His charger whinnied, and backed up a pace raising high into the air. An octorok had abruptly raised up from the ground. Dal pulled forth his zap crossbow. He took aim and fired. A blast of yellow light shot forth. He shot again as the octorok's tentacles grabbed hold of the charger's front legs. The stone octopus was crushed as the metal hooves of the charger smashed down upon it.

The fog had become thicker. Dal could not see a foot in front of his mount. He could barely hear a sound either. The forest appeared to be devoid of all life; except himself and his charger. He had his zap crossbow still out. Dal unsheathed his broad sword. He could sense something sinister in the Old Woods. He had never believed the old tales he had heard in the taverns. He wasn't so sure now. Dal trotted his horse cautiously through the concealing vapors. Keese suddenly soared through the air at him. He swung his sword at them as they pinched and bit at him and his mount.



Link placed his hand over his mouth as he yawned. "You would think Ganon would sleep at some point. Attacking in the middle of the night is rude."

Impa told him. "Ganon sleeps; but his mininions don't. That is why you must always be vigiliant, Link."

Link complained. "But how can I be vigiliant if I can't get a decent night's sleep."

Zelda entered Link's chambers. She told him. "Stop complaining. Go take a nap, Link. Impa and I shall guard the Triforce now."

Link leaped into his bed. He pulled the covers up to his chin. He looked imploringly to Zelda. Zelda walked over to him.

"What do you want? A glass a water?" Zelda asked.

Link hopefully replied. "How about a goodnight kiss?"

She grabbed hold of his pillow and shoved it over his head. "Go to sleep, 'hero'. You'll need your rest if Ganon trys to attack again."

She walked over to a table and took the chair. Zelda carried the reddish brown, wooden chair over to the podium holding the Triforce of Wisdom, and sat down.
Impa knelt beside her. The Triforce pulsated very lightly.

Impa inquired once she was sure that Link was asleep. "How do you really feel about Link?"

Zelda told her. "He is the protector of our Triforces; that's all. Ganon would never realize that Link has the Triforce of Courage. It's convenient to have them both in the same place. That's all."

Impa slyly smiled. "Really? Is that all he is to, Zelda? I think you're lieing to me. I've seen the way you look at him when you think he isn't paying attention."

Zelda adamently protested. "I don't know what you're talking about. I..I..I don't think of him in that way. He is just a close friend."

Impa stood up. "You know your own heart better then I would. Do you really think Ganon will attack so soon?"

Zelda was glad to change the subject. "It doesn't hurt to be meticulious in these matters."
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Old 05-11-2003, 07:06 PM   #4   [permalink]
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Chapter Two: The Unfettering:

The keese had swarmed all over Dal. He swung his sword to disperse them, but, there were far too many for him. They had ripped him from the stirrups, and he had lost hold of his zap crossbow, and sword. The keese took flight; taking Dal with them. They had flapped, and screeched over many miles across the fog drenched trees.

To Dal's surprise they had gently lowered him into the densest of the fog. The brimming moistured vapors clouding the ground gave his body a chill.

Dal tripped over several tree roots, until he came to a less clouded area. The ruins of a fortress stronghold; strangled with vines, and vegetation, jutted out of the ground before the human warrior.

Dal stepped through the crumbled archway entrance. He ventured in; in the hopes of finding a weapon or a way out of the Old Woods.



Sora sensed a life force moving within in her stronghold. It was not the usual life force of insects, and birds. This one was different. She had been cold for so long. She had been alone for countless centuries; feeling nothing, hearing nothing, seeing nothing. However, now she could sense a living entity in her domain that was human or elf. She was not exactly sure yet. Hope made her heart beat once more. Sora's hope of vengeance. Only her hatred had kept her alive.

He continued to walk down the broken, weed choked flagstones of a central corridor. The central corridor lead into a doorway with the stone doors broken from their hinges. The green stone doors rested on the floor covered with weeds wrapping around it. Dal stepped through into a massive room. A stairwell at the back of the room led up to a large statue of a beautiful elf maiden. The elf maiden statue stood out due to the fact that it was the only thing in the room that appeared unravaged by time.

Dal quietly approached the granite statue of the elf. He had never seen such marvelous sculpture work in granite. A raven cawed as he fluttered across the room to alight upon the elf maiden's shoulder. It let out another caw as Dal climbed up the twelve steps. Dal's hands reached out. He felt a slight nick in the statue where he didn't see one.


Sora felt warm hands upon her legs. They moved up her legs. Sora could not believe it. She had been startled at first, joy now filled her. Her eternity of confinement was at an end. Sora could sense it from the moment she had felt hands upon her. Sora stretched out her limbs, and found that she was no longer paralyzed. A dark smirk unconsicously spread across her face.

The Wind Sorceress felt the bounds holding her in place for all those endless decades shattered. She felt life within her once more. No longer was she attached to the stone statue that glorified her beauty and former power over the kingdoms south of Hyrule.


Dal circled the statue once; admiring the craftsmanship that went into the piece. He stepped back with a startled gasp. An elf face materialized in the stomach of the gray statue. The face was the same as that of the statue's head. The elf, in a serpent's manner, slithered out of the abdomen.

She hovered in the air above him. Dal took another step back and tumbled down the stairs to the floor. He found himself looking directly up at her after he had landed. He was numb of the pain from the shock. The elf woman that levitated before him had the same arrogant look and bone structure as the statue. He tried to speak but no words came to his lips; let alone his mind.

She happily purred. "I thank you for releasing me, noble warrior. You have no idea of how long I've waited. Too long."

Dal finally found his voice and words. "Excuse me, but who are you?"

The woman lowered herself to the bottom of the stairs. She glided over to Dal, and placed her hand upon his shoulder. Dal couldn't understand it. He saw her arm upon him, but he didn't feel it there. Dal had only one answer for that.

The elf maiden told him. "Do not be frightened. I shall give you a just reward for my release."

Dal almost accused. "You're a ghost."

Her red flecked, sapphire eyes widened like an angry cat's eyes as if she recently realized the truth of her situation. She spoke to herself. "Damn. I've been separated from my body for to long. It had deteriated by now. However...'
her eyes looked deadly upon Dal, ' It is time for you to claim your reward for rescuing me."
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Old 12-11-2003, 12:19 PM   #5   [permalink]
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Well, just fine naration, but quite predictable unoriginal plot, I'd say. If there's an evil creature being locked up in the prologue it will always get released in the second chapter, then try to take revenge, confront the same old good guys and also the old bad guy (but, of course, the new bad guy is stronger) untill she gets killed by either the good or the bad or their combined forces and then there's a happy ending, just like at the beginning, and everything is back as if nothing happened, which means the story wasn't even worth telling...

Now, back to your naration part, it's pretty good, but it can always get better. Notice that you put the subject at the begining of the senctence all too often. Play with the shape of your sentences a little more, read them out loud to know how they sound, try to get two of your short sentences together into secondary phrases.
You could also try to make the narration somewhat more subjective. Yes, most of the time you do tell the story "through the eyes of your characters". But it's just the eyes, it's as if you have a cammera showing the pictures in their visual space, but the description is done by someone else who sounds objective, cold and foreign. Try to give your characters ways of speech and personal vocabularies, this always reflects their personalities. Make your text sound more organic.
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Old 13-11-2003, 09:03 PM   #6   [permalink]
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You're forgetting the other option, which I personally perfer, wherein everyone dies and all the fighting and struggling on either side was merely futile. Thanks for the advice. I'll try mixing up my sentences a bit.
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Old 14-11-2003, 01:39 PM   #7   [permalink]
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If anyone else has any advice on how to improve my writting I would greatly appreciate it. Please be tactful if you do though. Currently having a block on this piece so any give forth any advice. It'll be a week or two probably before I continue posting the story. I'll want to try to use the advice given by Cet and any others.
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