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Old 19-04-2001, 06:29 PM   #1   [permalink]
Kamono Shibaiko
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A short little Nuriko POV thing I wrote. Just reflecting on his feelings towards the priestess, his sister, etc. Hope you like.

So, Iím a brother. All I ever was, and all Iíll ever be. They all think of me like that, a brother, a best friend, but never someone to love with all your heart, someone to wrap your arms around and feel safe.
Maybe I brought that upon myself. Maybe Iím too open, too caring, too willing to listen. Maybe I brought it upon myself with the fact that Iím a guy. That might be it.
Even before Kourin died, I felt I wanted to be a woman. I was always stronger than the other boys in our village, and rough-housing was no big excitement, because I always won. What I really wanted to do, was to go over to where my sister and her friends were, and to play dress-up with them. I knew that wasnít right, but I couldnít help it.
When she died, I took that as my excuse for dressing as a woman. As my excuse for falling in love with His Majesty. As my excuse for hating Miaka. But I had no excuse for loving her.
Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, not knowing who I am. I wonder, am I Nuriko? Am I Kourin? Am I Ryuuen? And sometimes, I donít even recognize the name. Houki. Who is Houki? Joe. Who is Joe?
Eventually, I realize. I am all of them. I am Nuriko, the Suzaku Shichiseishi. I am Chou Kourin, a lady of the court. I am Chou Ryuuen, the strongest little boy in the village. I am Houki, though I donít know who Houki is. I am Joe, though I also donít know who Joe is.
All I want in this world, all I want in the other world, is to be loved. I have a problem with unrequited love. Hotohori loves Miaka, Iíve always known that. I can never be what Miaka is to him. And I can never be what Tamahome is to Miaka.
I ocassionally feel bitter because of those two facts. Why is it that Miaka and Tamahome get to live happily ever after, while the rest of us sit of sit of in our little corners, feeling sorry for ourselves, and drowning our sorrows in bottles of sake.
Neither Miaka nor Tamahome ever meant to hurt us (When I say us, I mean Hotohori, Tasuki, and myself. Tasuki never really said anything to me about Miaka, but I could tell. I sometimes found him staring at her, like I stared at her. The woman in me can tell these things). Love just works that way. You love one person, and not another. Thatís all you can do, is love the people your heart tell you to love. Miaka and Tamahome canít help loving each other. Hotohori, Tasuki, and I canít help loving Miaka. I canít help loving Hotohori.
What would my life have been like if I hadnít been chosen to be a Suzaku Shichiseishi. Would I have been as compelled to dress as my sister, and come to the court?
Perhaps Kourin died for a reason. She died, so that I was able to go to court, and meet his majesty, and fulfill my destiny. When I think about it that way, Iím not so proud to be a senshi. Itís a difficult choice to make. Would I rather be a senshi, or have my sister? Part of me wonders if there was a way I could have had both. If there was some other way of me somehow meeting Miaka.
They say that you canít have everything. But canít I at least have something?
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