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Old 22-12-2004, 01:13 AM   #1   [permalink]
Cane
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Original Manga: Darwin's Reapers ( Ch.s 1 and 2)

I have a link to some rough character sketches below. Sorry about the low resolution. Anyway, this 1st chapter (1st of 5) is still a rough draft so I can take and would appreciate any kind of criticism. Don't worry, I can take it like a man. Quick Sketches
And here is a link to the story. Darwin's Reapers

Last edited by Cane; 07-01-2005 at 12:54 AM.
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Old 22-12-2004, 03:06 AM   #2   [permalink]
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Not bad. It certainly sets up a number of questions for later on. That Adam is the main character is obvious, but whether he's the good guy or the bad guy is not clear, so at this point I'm not sure who to start rooting for.

You stated you're going to run with it as a manga, which is a visual medium, so I'm not going to comment on your use of english other than to say when you write dialog, you should start it on a new line rather than in the middle of a paragraph. It makes it easier for the reader and also signales that a different person is speaking than the previous one.

The only comments I might make are that, for a chapter, it's pretty short and I'm not sure of the age and level of maturity of the characters. You've set it at a high school but not stated how old the characters are or what grade they're in. Are they freshmen just starting and still have some growing up to do or are they in their final year and ready to enter adulthood?

I was also a bit surprised that the teacher had no reaction when Adam acted that rudely. Not like the teachers I remember when I was in school (but then, with the way we behaved, could you blame them? ).

Other than that, I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter and hopefully getting some answers. I'd also hope the plotline has been well thought out and has a few twists in it.
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Old 22-12-2004, 03:13 AM   #3   [permalink]
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Thank you for your comments. I'm taking what you said into account and am editing it now. Just to clarify, do you mean that anytime there is a quote it should be on a separate line or only when two people are speaking should they be on separate lines?
For the chapters, I'm planning on having quite a few short ones, but this story doesn't drag on forever so they probably won't go past 20. I'm thinking about making this chapter longer and adding in more interaction with the students, however the school is not the focus of the story so this chapter is really short.

Last edited by Cane; 22-12-2004 at 03:30 AM.
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Old 22-12-2004, 06:17 AM   #4   [permalink]
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The conversation in the cafeteria is more or less correct, it's just the dialogue by the teacher in second paragraph that is not formatted correctly.
I'll use what you've written to illustrate.

Quote:
The bell for first period rang and the boy stood silently at the front of the class beside the gangly physics teacher, Mr. Langey. The boy had unusually bright blue eyes and messy, light brown hair, which incited some of the girls in the class to whisper to each other about how cute he was. The boys only scoffed and gave him a dirty look. “Class, we have a new student who will be joining us today.” said Mr. Langey. “His name is Adam Geiger and he has just transferred here from Jonas High School in Berlin. Adam, why don’t you tell the class about yourself?” continued Langey. Adam remained silent and slowly glanced over the room, making sure to look each student in the eye. He then replied with a smug, “No thanks” and made his way to the empty seat in the back of the class, ignoring the bewildered expressions on the other students’ faces. As he took his seat he made a note to himself that at this moment the class contained only one. Mr. Langey was obviously irritated with Adam’s rudeness but calmed himself and began his lecture. Adam looked across the classroom at a boy with blonde, spiky hair and brown eyes. There was not a single visible imperfection on his face or skin and he seemed unusually well built. However, to Adam, the most distinguishing characteristic about the boy was his large, white pupils, making his eyes white with a halo of brown.
should be

Quote:
The bell for first period rang and the boy stood silently at the front of the class beside the gangly physics teacher, Mr. Langey. The boy had unusually bright blue eyes and messy, light brown hair, which incited some of the girls in the class to whisper to each other about how cute he was. The boys only scoffed and gave him a dirty look.

“Class, we have a new student who will be joining us today.” said Mr. Langey. “His name is Adam Geiger and he has just transferred here from Jonas High School in Berlin. Adam, why don’t you tell the class about yourself?” continued Langey.<-(unnecessary)

Adam remained silent and slowly glanced over the room, making sure to look each student in the eye. He then replied with a smug, “No thanks” and made his way to the empty seat in the back of the class, ignoring the bewildered expressions on the other students’ faces. As he took his seat he made a note to himself that at this moment the class contained only one. Mr. Langey was obviously irritated with Adam’s rudeness but calmed himself and began his lecture.

Adam looked across the classroom at a boy with blonde, spiky hair and brown eyes. There was not a single visible imperfection on his face or skin and he seemed unusually well built. However, to Adam, the most distinguishing characteristic about the boy was his large, white pupils, making his eyes white with a halo of brown.
I've also separated it out into extra paragraphs to break it up a bit and make it easier to read. Ideally the beginning of each paragraph would be indented and there wouldn't be a blank line between them, but the forum software doesn't allow for indents so I had to use the blank line break it up. They're just some of the basics, but they go a long way to conveying a professional image.

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Old 22-12-2004, 01:03 PM   #5   [permalink]
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Thanks for the help.
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Here is a link to some character sketches for my story. As of now they are just quick sketches and are in really low resolution until I get a better scanner. Darwin's Reapers
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Old 22-12-2004, 06:28 PM   #6   [permalink]
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Anytime.
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Old 05-04-2005, 04:05 PM   #7   [permalink]
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Not bad, really. You keep a lot of suspense along the whole of the chapter. The point is, at the end of it you give it all away... or not? I hope there's more digged underneath, otherwhise it will all progresive lose interest. The dream sequence sugests this does have some more plot than just action. Keeping Adam in doubt sounds good.
The contrasting effect of the peacefull first part in school and the sudden gore is real kickass, absolutely anime.
Do I notice a hell of a lot NGE referals there? Yes, sure I do: Adam/Eve, evil Angels, huge organization, Mr.Langley (they've dragged that name all the way from Space Odyssey, Lol), one of the pictures even looks like Asuka...
Problems I notice some in the logical thing of it all. Unlike NERV, which has conections with the UN, Babel Corp. seems to be of the private sector, right? Well, if it's a corp big enough to create perfect mutants someone would sure notice of its existance, so they need a good excuse or a guvernamental license. But if they had notified the state, a somewhat larger, emotionally better trained and armed group of hunters would be after these reapers, which Angel Hammer is taking extra care of eliminating secretly. Why are they all kids? It's cool, I know, but what's the reason inside the plot? Perfection might sound like evolution and yet it's not as Darwinesque as the title made me think. Survival of the fittest? If you're keeping it for later, that's also good, just have it in mind.
The combat sequence was a little complicated, I had to read through it twice. Creating that sord of scenes is good, but you need to find a way to describe them. Mainly training, I guess. Try making it slower.
I'm missing a more detailed description of Otto, as you gave of the other ones. The name sounds fat, you say he's "odd", which leaves quite in doubt. GogoDodo is as odd as Israfel...
Also, you repeat the names of your characters quite a lot. Try giving them secondary names like "he", "the reaper" "the killer" "the german boy" or something like that. Reading Adam-Kiyoshi-Adam all the time just sounds bad.

Just hope there's more behind it. Keep it up!
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