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Old 21-11-2003, 03:15 PM   #1   [permalink]
Malice
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The Drow Part. 1

Part one

Talorial moved through the crowded bar, the cowl of his robe hanging low over his face, to hide his dark features. Talorial was a drow elf, the most feared race in the realm. It was not often people witnessed a drow elf walking on the surface world. most could not their eyes so intuned with the darkness of their underground cities could not cope with the sunlight, most drow had never been above ground. Talorial was different, he left behind the wicked ways of his kind and fled their world of darkness to start new. It had been three decades since he left his home city of Menzobarenzan, he knew there had to be a better place a better life. A new world where everyday life did not revolve around death where the word love had meaning. In the drow language there was no word for love, none came close. the race of evil, vile drow could not grasp the concept of love.

Talorial pulled up a chair at a table near the back of the bar alone, always was he alone. Even when surrounded by people he was still totally alone. None knew him, none could ever they feared him. Even after all the good he had done he was still condemed for his races crimes. All the lives he saved when traveling across the surface world, and still he was shunned from every gate of every city because of the color of his skin.
Talorial watched the people from under his cown laughing, joking. He wondered how many of them would still be so concerned with such things if he had walked in unmasked, not disguised as something he was not.
Talorial rested his head against the cold stone wall and gently closed his eyes and imagined what it would be like to walk freely through towns and not be stared at or simple banished from the town. He opened his eyes again and gazed across the bar and saw a short stocky man talking to a member of the townwatch and pointing his way, it was apparent he had been discovered.
The member of the town watch walked camly out of the bar his heavy armor clanking all the way and returned moments later with two other guards each with a sword in their hand.

The three walked casualy up to Talorials table and stood before him.
"Get up" The apparent leader of the ground commanded in booming voice
Talorial obeyed his command not resisting just yet. The leader stuck his hand out and ripped the cowl from talorials head exposing Black skin and think white locks.
"Stinkin dark elf skum, im gonna put you back where you belong." the leader threatened "in the ground"
then it was on, the leader thrusted his sword at the drows belly, but talorial was too quick and spun away in time as he spun he drew a dagger from under his black robe and slicing the leader across the cheek drawing a single thin line of blood, then spun away to the guard on his left plunging the dargger into his shoulder before the guard got a chance to move his sword up to block it. The third guard came in with an overhead chop talorial parried the sword out wide and with his of hand stuck the guard solidly in the jaw dropping him to the ground. the leader came around with a backahdn swing aimed the drows head, once again talorial was too quick and ducked under the sword and stuck the dagger in the leaders gut burrying it to the hilt, before ripping it back out.

Talorial took a last look back at the three guards lying on the floor before walking out of the bar into the city, He pulled the cowl of the think black robe over his long white hair and vanished into the streets, alone.
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Last edited by Malice; 22-11-2003 at 09:41 AM.
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Old 25-11-2003, 10:48 AM   #2   [permalink]
Cetacious
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You seem to have a serious problem forming congruent phrases there, buddy. Strange, I didn't remember Malice had english problems. Just read through it once and see what I mean. Use comas, for God's sake, have some mercy and use prepositions.
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most could not their eyes so intuned with the darkness of their underground cities could not cope with the sunlight, most drow had never been above ground.

None knew him, none could ever they feared him.
I'm sorry to say those are not english sentances. Did you write this at a construction site, baybysitting or something?

Though the basic plot idea might get interesting, the character ain't all too well described. You give out some about his race, but say quite few of his personal experience. Anyway, I guess that may still come later, too. However, I must insist your narration stile was better before, in "How deep is the abbys", whenever this one as a story has infinitely much more potential.
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Old 25-11-2003, 10:04 PM   #3   [permalink]
Malice
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tell you the truth im not sure if that was a compliment or i should be offended. i noticed that i did overuse commas cant think why, it was late and i was quite annoyed. I wrote it out once and my computer froze just after i finished and i wrote it out again but i couldnt get it exactly as i had it the first time. so im blaming the overusing of commas, bad sentance structure and overall bad english on the fact i was quite mad.
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Old 22-10-2008, 06:11 AM   #4   [permalink]
clint999
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I'm sorry to say those are not english sentances. Did you write this at a construction site, baybysitting or something?

Though the basic plot idea might get interesting, the character ain't all too well described. You give out some about his race, but say quite few of his personal experience. Anyway, I guess that may still come later, too. However, I must insist your narration stile was better before, in "How deep is the abbys", whenever this one as a story has infinitely much more potential.
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Old 12-11-2008, 09:01 AM   #5   [permalink]
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Old 26-11-2008, 09:55 PM   #6   [permalink]
John Faulkner
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Originally Posted by Malice View Post
Menzobarenzan,
Menzobarenzan? Why not Ginxocutamyim? Or Banwidewinxen?
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Old 24-06-2009, 09:46 AM   #7   [permalink]
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it's not that bad, I liked it even with the mistakes keep up the good work and read and right more often Malice
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